What day is it?

The other stop on last night's mall walk was a calendar store. Calendar stores have a limited life-span, and this one was only 6 days into the new year, and prices were cut by 50%. There can't be much to say for a product whose asking price is halved in less than a week. Bananas last longer. I'd figure to have to wait until at least June to get half-price calendars, but by then the Christmas store would be moving in. Last night, the Christmas store was packing up, having finished its post-holiday 50% off sale. What schmuck pays full price for that stuff?

There were a lot of calendars. Most of the wall hanging ones were $12.99, and the little desk-top ones were ... $12.99 ... Something is wrong here. (By the way, what's 50% off of $12.99?) And you don't see too many of those 18-month calendars anymore, do you? Somebody figured out what a boneheaded idea that was. Give people less of a reason to buy a calendar. Good one. I wondered how those people replaced their calendars in June. 12 months is plenty.

All of the cliche bases were covered. Dogs, cats, sports, girls, guys, cartoons. I was looking for one that had all the Palin family illegitimate children.

There were lots of those witty One [something] A-Day desktop calendars where I can never figure out how they come up with 365 things to fill it. I'd bet they repeat some of February's stuff in November. Who's going to remember? How about "One Thing O.J. Stole-a-Day"?

You could do a "One Alzheimer's a Day" calendar where the same event is repeated every day, but that isn't funny, is it? No, it's not.

I'm always trying to figure out where the profit is in these kinds of places. As long as I've been mall-walking (40-some years) there have been calendar stores, and every year they have the same themes and offer the same discounts a week into the new year. That makes me think that (a) You're a stone-cold dope for paying list price for a calendar and (b) There is a lot of profit margin in the calendar business. All you're doing is taking somebody's photo or stupid saying or looking up 365 funny words in an urban dictionary and printing them out a page at a time. It's the opposite of creative, but it must bring in a shitload of money, otherwise, they would have given up this calendar scheme a long time ago.

They can't all be Ralph Kramden's with crazy hair-brained schemes, sitting around the living room in September, brainstorming ideas, when one says, "I know - let's open a calendar store."

"Are you out of your mind?"

"No, seriously. Dogs, cats, girls, cartoons ... how about that Alzheimer's thing I mentioned?"

"Will you stop! They can't remember where the store is."

That isn't funny either.

Maybe (just maybe) with cell phones, talking watches and computers we don't need to hang something on the wall to remind us which day it is? Or maybe it's because I get calendars in the mail for free. One came from the Phillies and the other from The Nature Conservancy. Even 50% off can't beat free.