The gift for the person who owes everything.

Over the years, I've seen a lot of TV ads where someone gives their spouse a new car for Christmas. I'd like to be in a relationship where the only (best) thing you can think of to give your spouse is a new car. A big-old Lexus with a red bow on top. Try getting it under the tree.

Actually, they do manage, but it's a tree outside in the driveway.

Generally, the ads begin with one person deceptively wondering "what could I possibly have for you?" All the while, the big gift awaits, unbeknownst to the recipient. Then, one of them usually blindfolds the other (or clasps their hands around their eyes) and leads them outdoors where the bowed vehicle awaits. The voice-over chimes in with some sentimental fluff about how much one cares for the other because they though enough of them to get them a vehicle. I'm left wondering a couple of things...

One, how you wake up on Christmas morning and, upon not seeing your vehicle, you don't wonder, "Where the fuck is my car?"

The other, bigger thing, is that apparently, I care so much for you that I volunteered to burden us with a four hundred-dollar a month car payment. "Merry Christmas, sweetie. Here's the payment book."

Schmuck.

I think she'd be much happier getting a nice hoodie from American Eagle. And I'd be happier with a Ticketmaster gift certificate - but I'm funny that way.