My Sick Mind

I'm not responsible for training supermarket cashiers, so I don't know exactly what they are required to do. I know that, in the old days when we used to go to supermarkets, cashiers would keep up with the customers and put the items in bags while they ran through the conveyor. Now, I see that there are plastic bags on the customers' side of the aisle, which to me, is a not-so-subtle hint that the customers are now being encouraged to bag their own groceries. That's an interesting idea, since cashiers now only have to roll an item past a scanner and throw it down the line. If the sensor doesn't make a rude beeping sound or no sound at all, they don't give it a second look. This disturbing trend is exacerbated by chains like The Home Depot and Lowe's who have self-checkout lines. They make us think that it is a convenience to the consumer, when in fact it is a convenience to the retailer , since they don't have to pay cashiers. While I struggle (compar...

Monday marked a major event in the history of America. My daily Philadelphia Inquirer cost a dollar for the first time in my life, raising the price a quarter per day. I've had a daily newspaper (or two) delivered to my home every day since I was a kid. It's only now that I have begun to question the wisdom of it. Many years ago, I thought people would give up smoking when cigarettes began costing a dollar a pack. Now that they are over 7 dollars a pack, I not only question smokers' decisions, but my own perception of how intelligent cigarette smokers are. I am certain that there are cigarette smokers who think I'm a dope for paying a dollar for a newspaper. They're still a bargain, the newspapers. On a monetary basis, they provide hours of entertainment and we are free to choose to read all of it or none of it. But they have lost some of their clout because the immediacy of the Internet has rendered some (or all) of their content as irrelevant as the evening news...

I read somewhere that Charlie Sheen is a workaholic. I now realize that I must have mis-read it. It's not workahol to which he is addicted. We use those sorts of words ... chocoholic, shopoholic -- as though they are what they say they are. Those are colloquialisms, and they become part of our speech even though they are patently incorrect, usage-wise. Words like irregardless and some others that people say without thinking about. There is no such thing as chocohol or shopohol . Those are just people who like chocolate and shopping. Anyway, that Charlie guy is in a pickle, ain't he? Unless, of course, you don't consider taking a $1.8 million per episode paycheck, spending $26,000 on a hooker and winding up in rehab being in a pickle. For some perspective, that's like someone who makes $500 a week spending $7.20 on something. Not only wouldn't you notice it, but whatever you spent it on wouldn't land you in rehab. It's the sort of thing that inspires g...

There is almost nothing that somebody won't make into a television show nowadays. There are shows about people picking junk, guys buying stuff on pawn, crazy bastards who collect junk in their homes and people who make money buying the junk that those crazy bastards collect in their homes. I guess it's because there are so many channels on cable that it's necessary to fill 24 hours of programming with stuff that people might like to watch. I'm not sure where it started. Maybe it was the American Chopper guys who started our fascination with regular people doing odd jobs? Maybe it was that Mike Rowe guy and his "Dirty Jobs," or maybe it was the " Mythbusters ?" All of them are running out of bikes , jobs and myths, so perhaps their time has run out also? Pioneers often give way to copycats, just like Phil Donahue gave way to that Oprah person. The thing that amazes me about the "Pawn Stars" show (starring the 4 fattest people on T...

I just saw an ad for a new TV show with Melissa Rivers. The plot line involves her mom Joan moving in. I'd tell you what time and channel it's on, but I couldn't concentrate on the ad because Joan's face is so freakishly disfigured from plastic surgery that I couldn't concentrate. You'd think that someone with her money could have afforded to get the best doctors and avoid looking like a cartoon character. She said a couple of sentences, but I couldn't understand because her face doesn't move when she speaks. Maybe that's the point of the show - a kind of "scared straight" look at cosmetic surgery? That's what I'm getting out of it so far. Meanwhile, Oprah made what she called a "major announcement" on her TV show. She revealed that she has a half-sister. The first thing I thought of was the tremendous ego on somebody who thinks that the world cares enough that she has a half-sister that she would structure an en...

One of the things that has been bugging me over the past few days is a dietary decision I made, and how it might have been a mistake. I try to do the right thing and eat the right things, but I am sometimes lured into thinking that something is good for me when in fact, it's the same old crap. I eat too much potato chips. Every time I buy a sandwich, I walk out with a 2-ounce bag of chips, which, in spite of the wheat bread and no cheese option on the sandwich, seems to negate any benefit. Instead, I have opted for Herr's Veggie Crisps, which usually sit on or near the bottom of the chip rack, out of view of adults and others whose eyes find the regular chips before the veggie options. That's called marketing. It is called a "Mixed Vegetable Snack," which you may or may not find to be an accurate description. I think it depends on whether you work for Herr's or are a consumer. It is definitely a snack. We could debate the "all natural" description...

I can't listen to Aerosmith anymore. I bought their first album in 1974 and I think it's still one of the best records of the era - and ever , maybe - but now? Steven Tyler is a judge on American Idol , for Chrissakes. What has happened to the world? How can I listen to "Mama Kin" now without thinking of that stupid TV show? Overdose on drugs and fall of a stage, but don't sell-out to that garbage TV, Steven. There's a new show on The Learning Channel tonight called My Strange Addiction. What's it about? Glad you asked. The first episode at 9:00 highlights a woman who has been eating couch cushions for 20 years. The second episode profiles a tanning addict who visits tanning beds up to three times a day and a 44-year old woman who has been eating household cleanser every day since she was 12. What am I supposed to be learning on this channel? I'll watch, but I may not be able to sit on my sofa or clean my sink again. This is the same channel that br...

Certain things in life fascinate me. Like the Miss America pageant . Awards shows fascinate me. Either it's something like the Academy Awards or the Emmy Awards, where (basically) what happens is that the people involved vote for themselves and their co-workers, which I lovingly refer to as "Hollywood Pats Itself on the Back." The other night, The Golden Globe Awards were given out, which we are led to believe are voted on by the Hollywood foreign press, whatever that is. The thing that fascinates me about awards is twofold. First, when competitive athletes are given awards, like a Most Valuable Player award, I wonder why it's so important, since they keep score in games and we already know who the winner is. What's the point of giving out an award in an endeavor where there are already declared winners and losers? Why keep score, otherwise? It seems as though the more attention one gets, the more awards are given out for the job. Athletes, actors, performers...

Good news for pedophiles. Mainstream America is officially sanctioning under aged girls as objects of beauty, which can be translated as objects [period]. Under almost every one's radar (because it's almost irrelevant) a 17-year old was crowned Miss America last night. Not only did it occur in a big-time beauty pageant (and not one of those crazy "Little Miss Sunshine" kids' pageants) but it occurred on national television - the measuring stick for everything that is [quote] normal [unquote] in America. Ironically (can you see the irony?) little Teresa Scanlan said that she "wants to stand up for integrity and honesty." OK, go ahead. You didn't see it? Probably not, and you're excused without a doctor's note or death certificate. I didn't see it either, but like a tree falling in a forest, that doesn't mean it didn't happen. The song, once sung yearly by Bert Parks, pronounces her to be "your ideal" as Miss Americ...

"Standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona. Such a fine sight to see." - Take it Easy, by The Eagles OK, I had to get that face off the page. I haven't had much to stir the juices lately, and every time I open the blog I see that jackass looking at me. It's more than a little creepy. I did read something about Arizonans being a little worried that the rest of the country will think that the state is a strange place, what with the illegal immigration issue they have been fighting over the past couple of years, and now a shooting. Then I thought about the upcoming Martin Luther King Jr. holiday and remembered that it was Arizona that had a hard time with it. They still may not have come to grips with it, but I remember John McCain and some of the state's so-called leaders fighting the "legal holiday" status. I don't particularly care, since I don't live there, but it made me think that maybe there is something to the idea that the state is a lit...

Every so often , big media gets their teeth in a story. You can tell, because they come up with an alliterative term for it. It's generally accompanied by a screen-filling graphic and some dramatic music. The latest one is being called "Tragedy in Tuscon." It's generally a tragedy or giant oil spill of some sort that grabs their attention. I don't recall any fancy names being given to something good that happens. It's always "The Storm of the Century," a fire, flood or oil spill that gets a graphic and a catchy title. This latest one is interesting on several levels. It involves a young, attractive female politician and a child - two things that the media eats for lunch. Add to it that the child is the granddaughter of a Phillies executive (and former manager) and you have the makings of a huge story. Since television news struggles against the Internet on the best of days, they have dispatched hordes of reporters to Arizona to ferret-out every go...

TUCSON, Ariz. – Rep. Gabrielle Giffords of Arizona was shot in the head Saturday when an assailant opened fire outside a grocery store during a meeting with constituents, killing at least five people and wounding several others in a rampage that rattled the nation. Giffords was among at least 10 people wounded, and the hospital said her outlook was "optimistic" and that she was responding to commands from doctors. The hospital said a 9-year-old child was among the killed, and a U.S. Marshal said a federal judge was also fatally shot in the attack. At first, I was shocked and dismayed at the story. That was, until I read down to the bottom of the article and saw this little blurb from our Commander in Chief. The shooting prompted an outpouring of sympathy from politicians and people around the country. President Barack Obama called the shooting "an unspeakable tragedy" and that such "a senseless and terrible act of violence has no place in a free society."...

I love upheaval. I love it when conventional thinking goes out the window, or when something that was created by people who are supposed to know what they're doing turns out to be a giant mess. The Seattle Seahawks won the NFC's Western division with a losing 7-9 record. That pisses off a lot of football people because a "losing team" isn't supposed to win anything. Not only that, but the Seahawks get to host a playoff game when the 11-5 Saints travel two time zones to play them on Saturday. Needless to say, I'm rooting like hell for the Seahawks, because football people will be in a crazy-assed snit over yet another breach of their little kingdom. Never mind that they made the divisions and the rules - it's just wrong . The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania gave the okey-dokey to build casinos in the state a while ago. Since then, several kids have been left in automobiles while their gambling parents went inside to bet. Now, they have sponsored a series o...

I've been a member of a gym (er ... fitness center ) for 31 years. Outside of a bout with pneumonia in 2001 and a dislocated elbow in 1989, I've never missed any extended period of time. The sociological phenomenon that is the influx of new gym members I see on January 2 still amazes me. That either shows that I'm a slow learner or have a short memory. It happens every year at every gym I've attended. Since the place is closed on New Year's Day, if you lost your calendar or your watch stopped, the day you suddenly noticed five times the number of people in the place as you saw the day before would be January 2. At some point around Christmas, thousands of people suddenly decide that their pants don't fit and if they look directly downward they cannot tell if their shoes match. They make a proclamation and decide that the new year will bring a new ... them . The sociology part of it is that it's the changing of the calendar that makes people realize the...

"Everything is amazing, and nobody is happy." - Louis C.K., on the amazing and sometimes frustrating things that technology has done for society. The remote for my sophisticated cable box recently broke. At least, I thought the remote was broken, since the delay in the box recognizing entries caused me to have to take it back to the cable company to get a new one. The new remote didn't work any better than the old one, and I figured I would have to get a new cable box, causing me further inconvenience. As it turned out, all I had to do was turn the box off for a few minutes and turn it back on, which was a last-ditch effort to fix the problem without actually fixing anything. Turning something off and on again is a half-assed attempt, but in this case it was the solution, and as Occam's Razor taught us, the simplest solution is the best. NEW YORK (AFP) – The bells weren't ringing for many iPhone users this New Year's weekend, when thanks to a glitch the ala...

"Too many people have to get out of work to try to get to this game." - Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell on Tuesday's re-scheduled Eagles game , apparently forgetting about the logistical circumstances surrounding "Monday Night Football" Meanwhile, I'm waiting for the hordes of Chinese, who are ready to take over our snowbound country after we wussed-out and postponed a football game on Sunday. What I'd like to know is what the Chinese even know about American football. If we told them we were postponing a game because a foot of snow was falling on the stadium, I'd guess they would say, "OK." "What do you think Lombardi would say?" he asked. I'd guess that Lombardi would say, "What the fuck is a governor doing on an Eagles post-game show?" Ed doesn't have the proper historical perspective on what Vince Lombardi would say about the current state of American football. So, I'm ready for the Chinese. Once they...

"We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything. If this was in China, do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? People would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down." - Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell on the postponement of a football game. Short-timer Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell had some harsh words for the NFL, who saw fit to postpone the Eagles' scheduled Sunday night game against the homeless Vikings. Mayor Nutter, after all, declared a State of Emergency, and one would assume that football fans driving to a game during a snowstorm ... er, blizzard ... constitutes needless travel to at least a few people with whom they may collide. But I digress. The Gov said that "we have become a nation of wusses" by not playing a game in the snow, wind and cold. I guess he said wusses because he couldn't say we were a bunch of pus...

The local news is leading with it. The weather forecasters have woodies in their pants, they're so excited. Local supermarkets are jammed with people stocking up on things that they'll probably never eat. Why? There is snow on the way. There is so much snow that the NFL has decided to postpone the Eagles game until Tuesday. My standard answer as to why things like that happen is always either money or television. In this case, it's television. The NFL doesn't want the game to compete with its popular Monday Night Football franchise, so they put the game off until Tuesday. Never mind that the Eagles are fighting for a division title and will have a very short week to face the Cowboys on Sunday afternoon. Television rules. Philadelphia Mayor Nutter has declared a State of Emergency, even though, at 2:00pm, there is about a half inch of snow on the ground. We trust the weather guessers too much sometimes. One figures that in this case, they are correct, but ...

I had an epiphany on my way to work today. My moments of clarity come without warning, and I'd prefer that they occur behind a keyboard rather than in my car, but the brain is a funny thing - at least mine is. This one: Christmas is a miserable time of the year for me. I don't understand it and I don't enjoy it, so why do I participate? It's a classic example of "it was like that when I got here." We do a lot of things without thinking about why we do them. Sociologists call them traditions, and the more complicated and deep-rooted the tradition, the more dedicated we are to it and we are less inclined to ask why we do it. Some of the new, stupid ones like Boss's Day are short-lived. We see it on the calendar or a TV ad and wonder, "What the fuck?" We carry on the Christmas tradition with nary a "what the fuck." Our parents, their parents and generations before all did it, and it gets more ingrained and complex with each passing generat...

One of the more curious spectacles on television is the MTV show 16 & Pregnant , where high school-aged girls are paraded around in front of a camera extolling the virtues of their teen pregnancy. It was part of a marathon of shows, followed by its apparent spin-off Teen Mom. Seriously. Tonight's episode featured a hick and her boyfriend who live at her parents' house "because we can't afford a place of our own" [duh - you're 16] and her baby shower. I guess when you're a kid and pregnant, you may as well get as much stuff from people while you can, and no matter that you might want to embrace the shame rather than the joys of motherhood. The mother's cake featured a John Deere tractor. I didn't see the whole show, so I'm guessing that's where the little bastard was conceived. I could only make it through one segment, and turned it off in disgust. Shows like this are just another example of television programs that exploit the oddit...