My Sick Mind

Wasn't it just yesterday that I wondered about our local weather forecast? Sure it was . Sometimes, I think maybe I'm a little too rough on our local weather people. After all, they have high school diplomas and nice suits. Plus, there's all those fancy weather gadgets that the stations must pay a lot of money for. That's why their forecasts are so accurate. It's the combination of their extensive education combined with how nice they look and their ability to color maps so nicely. Scroll down to Friday's post with the image of the NBC10 forecast. I don't know what they call it. The one on the ABC affiliate is called AccuWeather, like that's supposed to make it more trustworthy. Generally, they're all the same. Whatever it's called, they painted a pretty rosy picture for our weekend around here. That's why I was so surprised to wake up Saturday morning, expecting to prepare for our weekly 8am bike ride with the shop . It was foggy, which isn...

This is a pretty strange hobby, the blogging. Maybe I'm not the only one who kept some sort of a diary when they were younger, but I would never let anyone near mine. It's as though I was writing down my thoughts and feelings for me , which is strange because I always know what my thoughts and feelings are. I guess I thought I would leave it as some sort of historic marker or something because, after all, when I was 17 years old I thought I was going to amount to something. There was no way on God's Blue Earth that I was going to grow up and be - well - ordinary. As time passed, I realized that not only would I grow up to be ordinary, I would also grow up having a stifled voice. That is, until now. I'm still writing down my thoughts and feelings, but I don't hide the book anymore. I do sometimes hide what I am doing, though. Yesterday, a co-worker who reads it said something out loud about "reading it on your blog." Egad, woman - do you want everyone to...

I just don’t know sometimes. Are the local news stations so hungry for ratings that they will stoop to baiting us to watch? Yes, they are. So, I guess I do know , don’t I? Thursday night, during The Office , local weather guy Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz cajoled us into tuning in at 11 by saying, “See how the coastal storm will affect our weekend weather, tonight.” Sure Glenn, I’ll hang around for another 3 hours and wait for you to guess. Let me run out and buy a lottery ticket too. I have the same chance of being right as you. Rather than be suckered into watching stories about local fires, traffic tie-up’s and missing pets I decided to get some shuteye and allow the weather events to transpire as they will. Then, this morning I did what any right-thinking person would do when curious about something – I went to their web site . Here is how the coastal storm is going to affect our weather this weekend: I guess the coastal storm is going to miss us, but those mid-80s temperatures and ...

Recently , I was more or less forced into subscribing to digital cable. My old TV died and I bought an LCD set for a hundred dollars less than I paid for the old TV 11 years ago. It was an offer I couldn't refuse. The upshot of the deal is that I am paying an extra 5 dollars a month for about a dozen hi-definition channels, which are part of some package that Comcast has put together to make my life more pleasurable. Thanks. Meanwhile, most of the hi-def channels are also available in regular-def, so I am paying for duplicate channels thatI will never watch. Is this making sense? I guess it doesn't make sense to somebody else, too because now, a lawsuit is being filed in California that is seeking to require the cable companies to offer channels on an a la carte basis. The theory is that you would pay for what you want. So, most of us would opt out of the Spanish channels and shopping channels and whatever else we weren't interested in so that we could save a few bucks of...

Yesterday , I got a page hit from The Soap and Detergent Association over that advice column for men in the bathroom. I can imagine their External Relations department, doing their regular ask.com searches to see how the blogs are treating the gang and, fa-foomf ! Up pops the blog. Twice now . What a joy it must be for them to mingle amongst the Mr. Woodcock post and the Homer Simpson quotes. It's just the tip of the iceberg, SDA. I didn't want to make it sound like I'm anti-soap. I use it almost every day. So, as a repeat user, I think you owe it to me to take my advice on soap. Consider this my open letter to the Soap and Detergent Association: First , let's put some sort of industry-wide ban on putting soap in boxes and then wrapping the box in plastic. Once it's wrapped in plastic, the job is done. There is no need to wrap a box in plastic - especially if it's soap. We make enough trash. Let's try making less. Every little box is important. While we...

According to Yahoo , this week is National Singles Week . Seriously. It was made up in 1984 by some people in Ohio , of all places. Why couldn't I have found out about this on Monday when I could have enjoyed it? Maybe singles only deserve to know for half a week? Chances are, the single people in charge of this deal sat around for two days waiting for the phone to ring before finally giving in and calling the media. That sounds about right. After the article, there's a list called The Ten Best Things About Being Single . I challenge. 1. You can make last-minute plans with your friends and stay out all night if you want. Sure, stay out all night and get left alone, drunk and tired with no ride home. And when you get home, there's no one there, which stinks because you do your best nasty business when you're legally intoxicated . 2. You can lie on both sides of your bed and have all the covers to yourself. Is that really important? Besides, if you sleep on a Twin be...

Those crazy attorneys over at Lord, Bissell & Brook must have a lot of spare time. One of my latest hits came from a Google search titled "Paula Creamer's feet" which, sadly for the searcher, turned up a post, aptly titled My cat's feet smell like cat litter , a paraphrase of a quote from Springfield's Ralph Wiggum. The post had something to do with Don Imus and Beatles songs, with nary a mention of Ms. Creamer's pes , or anything above her Talus, either. It got me to thinking [oh, that again] about all the crap that people must have to sift through to either (a) figure out that they hit a dry well and should just stop reading, or (b) continue to the end just in case there's some wacky reference from out of nowhere. Mostly, it's "a". So, to all those poor souls who go out in search of those elusive Alycia Lane bikini pics, the Koreans who come here in search of the Big Ass and all my "no referring link" pals who wander over c...

NEWS ITEM: The gender gap has widened when it comes to hygiene, according to the latest stakeout by the "hand washing police." One-third of men didn't bother to wash after using the bathroom, compared with 12 percent of women, said the researchers who spy on people in public restrooms. They reported their latest findings Monday at a meeting of infectious disease scientists. Two years ago, the last time the survey was done, only one-quarter of men didn't wash, compared with 10 percent of women. "Guys need to step up to the sink," said Brian Sansoni, spokesman for the Soap and Detergent Association, which co-sponsors the survey and related education campaigns . First , let's discuss the Soap and Detergent Association. What kind of ... never mind. Next , let's discuss something patently gross and disgusting - men's bathroom habits. In addition to being one myself, I work with lots of them, and although I'm not a member of the force, I keenly obs...

Oh, the woeful display that the once sacred Monday Night Football has become. Now that Sunday night has replaced Monday as the "Football Night in America", the shell of its former self is now on broad display on ESPN whether we want it or not. Remember, the E stands for Entertainment. However, the S stands for sports, and that's the element that is often sorely lacking. What was Charles Barkley's purpose in the booth, other than trashing the Philadelphia sports fans? Get a grip, Chuck. And shut up, there's a football game going on. I still say, and will continue to say, that Suzi Kolber belongs in the booth and Tony Kornheiser belongs on the field, or as far away from the booth as we can get him and still justify his paycheck. Either that or eliminate the third man fifth wheel in the booth altogether. The producers are still living off the history of Don Meredith and the fun he brought to the game. Meanwhile, viewers (and fans) have had to endure Dan Dierdor...

We're a strange bunch, we are. We give such high importance to such mundane things, and almost ignore the important ones. Such is the case with advertising. During one of the football games yesterday, an ad for Wrangler came on, and there's old Brett Favre tossing a football around. He later goes on to tell us that he likes jeans. And we're supposed to buy them based on that. I already know what jeans are, and it won't influence me one way or another if a celebrity wears a certain brand. It may in fact, sometimes do the opposite. Outside of his ability as a football player, Mr. Favre has no other distinguishing characteristics, like a worldly skill or anything. He excels at a game and earns a lot of money at it, so we're supposed to ascribe some intrinsic value to that, so it will make Wrangler jeans look like the jeans that influential people wear. I'd be more likely to accept the advice of a trusted friend or relative, but we can't get them on the TV. I...

PARIS - Arctic ice has shrunk to the lowest level on record, new satellite images show, raising the possibility that the Northwest Passage that eluded famous explorers will become an open shipping lane. With arctic ice levels at record lows, a long-sought route between Asia and Europe may emerge . The official slant from the Bush administration will be: White House encourages trade . Take that, free market economy. Pretty soon, a new shipping lane may open up between Baltimore and Denver. Fresh crabs in Colorado! I can't wait for that one. Then, there was this sickening headline: Ingrid fades to depression as damage from Humberto assessed . Poor Ingrid, and what did that bastard Humberto do to hurt her so? She was such a happy girl before he came into her life. The cad never as much as thanked her for everything she did. I got really worked up until I figured out what was going on. Stinking CNN. If you don't know who Scott Matthews is, I wouldn't be surprised. You can ...

Oh God , another trip to the grocery store. Whenever I dry up for blog posts, I head on over to the local supermarket and stock up on fresh meat. I'm not really sure why I was there. It's so cool to have a supermarket a thousand feet from my house, so sometimes I go just because of because. I love the Cheerios , so I'll grab a box. There's like a hundred Cheerios products - wheat, fruit, stonewashed - they call them the " Cheerios Family ", as though they had parents or something. So, which kid am I bringing home to pour Soy milk on and eat? It was MultiGrain. You probably could have guessed that one. You are what you eat. And that meant I needed pork chops. But not the regular pork chops that I'd have to [egad] cook. These are already cooked (sorta like pre-chewed, but not as sickening) and packaged in an air-tight tomb that would be safe to eat until Al Gore becomes president. Between those and the Purdue pre-shaped breaded and flavored (real) chicken, i...

"Your writing has taken a different tone the past week or so...what's changed in you? You kind of have this sort of more relaxed attitude and you seem to be writing whatever it is that you're thinking." - a Kimmyk comment If you're anything like me (and pray that you're not) you have tiny, subtle personality shifts that take place depending on where you are. At work, we're "Workface", where we stand up a little straighter and things that are normally funny are borderline harassment. At home, we're probably most comfortable, and since it's our home, we act with a greater honesty and behave in some manner that is closer to who we are, really . On our own, we can stretch the borders, but in company with other humans, there is a level of us that we really don't want people to know much about - whether it's some odd behavior or a particular TV show or food that we like that would cause embarrassment. Like Flip This House and Cauliflo...

I admit to knowing very little about foreign politics, and particularly little about the Middle East, other than they seem to hate each other times pi-squared, so it gets confusing for me to keep up with the cells, policies and hateful slogans for all of them. With that in mind, I tuned into the President's TV show on Thursday night, mostly to see how much older he looks now than a couple years ago. The first thing I noticed was a strange parallax between the Tele-PrompTer and his eyes. He was maybe seeing that speech for the second time, and he stumbled as he read. I kept creeping over to the right side of my screen so I could catch his gaze, but the bastard wouldn't look at me. Sumbitch. NBC had the speech in hi-def, so lucky me, I got to see his puss in broad detail, and I'm pretty sure I could make out scales under the make-up. Yeah, definitely scales. He rambled on a bunch of the same-old, same-old about his policies and supposed goals - stuff I'd heard befor...

“I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?” Homer Simpson Microsoft Word tells me that there’s a “number agreement” problem with that quote, but that’s our Homer. Speaking of number agreements, Dina Matos McGreevey, the estranged (strange) wife of former New Jersey governor and current Gay American Jim McGreevey says that her $1,129 support payment she’s getting from Jimbo isn’t enough to maintain her luxurious ex-wife of a gay governor lifestyle. Pity. She wants a judge to increase her monthly allotment to $4,000, or in legal-speak, three money. She said that “In total, I need $11,162 per month to meet my expenses.” I realize that she is raising a 5-year-old daughter by herself, and I have no kids (and no money) but seriously, does it take $2,575 a week to maintain a house and a kid? Maybe she figures that Jim is used to being jammed up the ass, so what’s another 4-grand? Or, perhaps once you are no longer married to the governor your lifestyle should ...

So I'm watching ... something ... on the TV and this ad for ... something ... comes on and the voice-over says that whatever it is was an Award Winning company. So I'm thinking World's Worst Business Award is still an award, isn't it? So maybe there should be a modifier in there somewhere, like best or finest . Don't leave us hanging. I think I'm being secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots. There's a new movie opening this week called Mr. Woodcock . I guess that's supposed to be funny. Woodpecker would have been funnier, but I think it's been done. The porn industry won't even have to subtly change the title for their version, like Broadcast Nudes or Edward Penishands . Buy two and save! Can somebody explain that concept to me? I know, buy none and save isn't a very good marketing tact, right? I guess I'm the only sports fan in the world who isn't appalled by the Patriots video tape cheating scandal. So, they figured...

Natalie Gulbis is running a blog (of sorts) from Sweden, where the girls are playing The Solheim Cup. The photo on the right would be a really nice photo if the camera had worked. What's particularly odd is that the big ad in the right corner is supposedly for the camera that took the crappy shot. Are they really trying to sell cameras? Maybe a nice outdoor shot where there's sun. A flash would be a nice touch, don't-cha-think? I have to admit , those new iPods are pretty cool. A 3.5 inch screen and wireless Internet capable. Three hundred bucks is a bit steep for all that, but maybe they'll drop the price like they did with the stupid iPhone. Glad you waited in line? I'm a little confused, though about the TV sizes. We seem to want them in all sizes, and we're equally amazed by both small and large. " Wow, look at that screen!" could be applied to anything. I'm not sure I want to watch TV on my cell phone. "Who the hell are you and what di...

I really must work on being more revealing on a personal level. The comments come-a-flooding in, and you know I do love a comment. Especially when they're from mysterious cyberspace Lamont Cranston types, stirring the shit under a pseudonym. Just like leaving out a sugary snack at a picnic. Soon, you're infested. They're not very good spellers, though. Canada , however seems to be accommodating to all manner of people. There's a mental hospital nearby [I know, very funny] and one of the lunatics has escaped the asylum. His name is William Enman, and he's not just crazy, he's a crazy killer. This paragraph from today's newspaper story had me intrigued: The Prosecutor's Office in Morris County, where Enman's murder case originated, said that Enman may have purchased real estate in Nova Scotia. Officials at the Prosecutor's Office could not provide more details to explain how a man diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and confined to a mental ho...

When I was a kid, I had a neighbor who was one of those people who was constantly doting on his house – always around, raking, sweeping and picking up stuff. One day, the newspaper wound up being delivered to his roof, just above his front door. Incredulously, he looked up at it, hands on hips, shook his head and said, “People are no damned good.” I think about that little episode whenever someone disappoints me. It doesn’t happen all that often, since I think I am a pretty good judge of character. Sometimes, however, the evaluations go wrong, and I allow my own prejudices and priorities to creep in - especially with women. After all, there are 160 million of them in the United States , so the odds of finding a weasel in the bunch are low, right? That’s what I would have thought, but weasels, being weasels, are sneaky little bastards. That’s why they’re called weasels. Inject the Internet into the mix and the possibilities for finding weasels increases, since the lack of an actual fac...

I hate myself sometimes. OK, so most of the time, but you get the point. Maybe it was that post I wrote on Saturday, or maybe it was something else, but I missed Sunday's 6th season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm - the second funniest show on TV. I had to set one of those cable-TV reminders to bleep my TV when 9 o'clock came around on Monday to catch the shortest-ever repeat episode. Never mind that it interrupted my constant switching between the Phillies and the Ravens - seriously, folks, I think I lived in Baltimore in a previous life, since I'm inexplicably drawn to the Orioles and Ravens - but I finally saw the show. Let me tell ya. If you have any way of getting HBO for free, even for 6 months like I did, do it just to see this show. And, if you haven't seen it for any of the other 5 years it has been on, start with season 1 and work your way forward. Hear me now, believe me later. Not to mention that I fell asleep during the Eagles game on Sunday. It's o...