My Sick Mind

WASHINGTON , D.C. -- Facing criticism, potential 2008 presidential candidate Joe Biden has been forced to explain his recent remark that, "You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent." The Delaware senator said his words were taken out of context. He was asked about the comment during an interview with CNN's "The Situation Room." The senator said he has had an "incredibly strong" relationship with the Indian-American community in Delaware and that his comment was misinterpreted. I love the "out of context" excuse. Take another second and read the quote, and tell me how it could be taken out of context. I can't see any context other than what is evident in the statement itself, but Biden can somehow make it sound like we are hearing it wrong, and his meaning is somehow skewed. I was born during the day, but not yesterday. Incidentally, isn't this the same Joe Biden who admitted in 1987 h...

Although widespread virus outbreaks may be a thing of the past, the total amount of malicious software being written is on the rise, according to McAfee. On Tuesday , McAfee vendor added the 200,000th definition to its threat database, and the security vendor expects the total number of identified threats to double in another two years. McAfee's antivirus products use these definitions as digital fingerprints to determine which software should not be allowed to run on a user's PC. What is the coincidence, you ask? I thought I heard you asking. The coincidence is that McAfee , the company that "delivers world-class retail and online solutions designed to secure, protect and optimize the computers of consumers and home office users" is telling us that the amount of malicious software is going to increase. In other words, they write the software that protects your computer from viruses, and they are telling us that there will be more viruses. Hello? Do you think, for...

After John Gilbert Graham blew up a plane with 44 people in it (including his mother), Lenny Bruce declared that, "The American people are really losing their sense of humor. Anyone who blows up a plane with 40 people and his mother can't be all bad." Now, some 50 or so years later, the Germans have lost their sense of whatever they think is humor. A couple of enterprising German youths who, according to this story, had a nice little idea of their own, only to run afoul of the cops: BERLIN (Reuters) - Police in Berlin said on Wednesday they had arrested two men on suspicion of placing cement-filled soccer balls around the city and inviting people to kick them. At least two people injured themselves by kicking the balls, which were chained to lamp posts and trees alongside the spray-painted message: "Can you kick it?" Police said they had identified a 26-year-old and a 29-year-old and had found a workshop in their apartment where they made the balls. The two are ...

It's raining again here at My Sick Headquarters. Lately, we have had a thunderstorm almost every day, along with heat and high humidity. It has reached the point where West Deptford residents are traveling to the Amazon rain forest for the cool, dry weather. It clears out our sinuses, I think. During today's thunderstorm, I flipped on the Weather Channel to see where the red and yellow stuff was. As it turns out, it was right over my hometown. The little crawl at the bottom of the screen was telling me to expect high winds and damaging hail. No kidding. Out the window, I could see that it was raining sideways. Then, it warned me that I should watch out for lightning because "lightning is one of nature's number one killers." I had to read it twice, quickly before it disappeared into the space at the side of the screen. One of nature's number one killers. That's interesting, since I had no idea that there was more than one number one. My head was about to e...

Today, my favorite athlete in the whole world, Annika Sorenstam, won the U.S. Open for the third time. I will not refer to it as the "U.S. Women's Open" as is customary, since we all know she is a woman and plays golf, so the gender designation is unnecessary. She had to go to a playoff against Pat Hurst in order to do it, but when it came down to today's final 18 holes, she blew her out so quickly that I doubt that Pat knew what hit her. I admit to being a bit of a women's golf geek, even though I don't play golf. Mostly it's because I admire their skill, but partly because I enjoy watching women play golf. There's something elegant and powerful about it. Delicate on the greens and powerful off the tee. There's the geek part. There are a lot of great players on the LPGA tour, but Annika obviously stands apart, much as Tiger Woods does on the PGA tour. As I have noted here in the past week or so, it isn't easy to come up with professiona...

While I was checking my Stat Counter (at the bottom of the screen) I noticed that some poor soul did a search on Answers.com, wondering "when was terry cloth invented". The screen he got in return for his query looked like this: As you can see, my little blog came up as response #4. Presumably, they are listed in order of relevance, and what could possibly be more relevant than My Sick Mind? As you can also see, of the other 3 responses, mine is the only one that comes close to addressing his question, albeit dateless - as am I. If you're out there, poor soul, I hereby apologize if I led you astray in my June 20 post, claiming, facetiously that Terry Bradshaw was somehow responsible for that miracle fabric. For the record, it is also not true that 1,000 leggers have 998 legs, nor is it true that the Smokey and the Bandit films were based on unpublished works by William Shakespeare. I only hope that this minor indescretion has not damaged the heretofore unblemished reco...

Our governor, John Corzine has enacted a constitutionally mandated shut-down of all state government functions as of July 1 because he couldn't get his state budget passed. Well, most state functions. There are one or two that seem to fly under the radar and get preferential treatment. The head of the Casino Control Commission ordered gaming in Atlantic City to cease at 8 a.m. Wednesday — the day after the July Fourth holiday — if New Jersey fails to enact a budget by then. Republican Assemblyman Francis Blee, whose district includes the casinos, said it was important for them to remain open. "We will have tens of thousands of individuals, real people, that are going to be hurt by this," he said. "There will be bread-winners who are not bringing home a paycheck ." Well, Mr. Blee, what about all the other state employees who are also bread-winners? Too bad for them that they don't work for a casino, and only operate vital state government functions. We can...

1 in 4 U.S. jobs pays less than a poverty-level income. 2 in 5 elderly live on less than $18,000 a year, including Social Security benefits. The average credit card balance for households earning less than $35,000 is $4,000. 1 in 3 people who have left welfare since 1996 did so because they couldn't meet the program requirements or they hit the 5-year limit. Since 2000, the number of Americans living below the poverty line at any one time has steadily risen. Now, 13% of all Americans (37 million) are officially poor. Among households worth less than $13,500, their average net worth in 2001 was $0. By 2004, it was down to - $1,400. Bush's tax cuts (extended until 2010) save those earning between $20,000 and $30,000 an average of $10 a year, while those earning $1 million are saved $42,700. In 2002, Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) compared those who point out statistics such as the ones above to Adolph Hitler. NOW, HERE'S THE PERSPECTIVE: Richard Helfant, the executive dir...

Sometimes driving while intoxicated isn't necessarily your biggest problem. Eddie Griffin is a 24 year-old forward for the Minneapolis Timberwolves. But basketball isn't his only skill. He can also drive with one hand, but if you're on the sidewalk, you'd better keep your eye on him. One late night back in March, Eddie was traveling the streets of Minneapolis when he hit a vehicle in an intersection, then went into a nearby convenience store and confessed to empoyees that he was intoxicated. After offering to buy the owner of the damaged vehicle a new one, police were summoned. For some reason, they elected to drive him home to St. Paul without testing him or charging him with D.W.I. It couldn't be because he is a popular basketball player, could it? No, probably not. But, I will bypass that indiscretion to focus on another. As it turns out, the reason Eddie collided with the other vehicle is because he was allegedly watching a pornographic video on his da...

Here's a joke you won't hear around the water cooler tomorrow: How many Pakistani doctors does it take to get a light bulb out of your ass? Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus. It would be funny if it weren't true. That's right. I don't know how many of you have ever put a light bulb in your anus, but I'm guessing that it is zero. And, as far as I can tell, light bulbs are manufactured, not grown, so I figure that Fateh had not swallowed a seed. Fateh, to his credit, was surprised: "When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said. "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners." Uh .... my guess would be the 'other prisioners'. When you're locked up in a Pakistani prison, you have to make your own entertainment ... and what's more entertaining than a light bulb in your buddy'...

After a couple of days away from the blogging, I have returned to find that the limits of odd behavior in which my fellow humans will engage has expanded a bit further. After a flurry of early posts in which I recounted my disdain for certain televison shows, sports, the Bush administration and even cracked a few jokes along the way; I have found the waters a bit clear of targets for my rants. However, I know that the creeps and weirdos of the world will continue to stock those waters with fresh ideas and innovative behavior. Generally, my patience is rewarded, and I hope it makes for good copy. This most recent oddity appeared today ... There is currently a trial going on in Bristow , Oklahoma, where former judge Donald D. Thompson is accused of using a penis pump on himself during trials, most notably during the trial of a murdered toddler, during his grandfather's teary-eyed testimony. You may now take a few seconds to re-read that sentence. If that wasn't bad enough, his fo...

O nce again, the TV weather people (I neglect to call them meteorologists, partly out of respect for real scientists, and partly because it is difficult to spell) have failed us. The drenching rains that have covered the Northeast for the last three days were supposed to subside, at least temporarily today, but they did not. Viewers of local news outlet known strangely as "Action News" were subjected to Cecily Tynan's lame explanation thusly: "We were hoping that the air flow would contribute to drier conditions..." Wait ... "hoping"? You were hoping ? Millions of dollars worth of satellite feeds, screens with names that use the word "radar" like Homer Simpson uses the word "beer" ... gauges, dials, things that spin and colored maps that even Johannes Kepler couldn't understand - and you were hoping ? For $600,000 a year , Cecily, I was expecting so much more. But, she wasn't done. On her return trip to the news desk to sch...

Just in case you thought the current sorry state of athletes was being exaggerated by the Brett Myers incident, I offer these stories, which all happened within the last two weeks... June 21 - LOS ANGELES, Ca. (AP) -- Bengals defensive end Frostee Rucker has been charged with two counts of spousal battery and vandalism. The misdemeanor charges were filed Tuesday after an alleged fight between Rucker and his girlfriend at a party he was hosting in Los Angeles last August. June 23 - MANDEVILLE, La. (AP) -- New Orleans Saints offensive tackle Jammal Brown was free on bond Friday following his arrest on a domestic abuse complaint from his wife. Brown was booked Thursday with domestic abuse battery after his wife placed a 911 call. June 16 - PITTSBURGH, Pa. (AP) -- Pittsburgh Steelers receiver Santonio Holmes was charged by Columbus, Ohio, police Monday with two misdemeanor counts of domestic violence and simple assault. It was his second arrest since he was chosen in the first round ...

Our hometown ballclub, the Phillies, can't seem to get a break, but apparently their fans can ... break, that is. Last Sunday, in a game at Citizen's Bank Ballpark, a fan was injured. Sherry McGoldrick, 42, of Dover, Del., whose face wound up in the middle of a foul ball's descent back to earth, said "I didn't see it until it was an inch from my face." On Friday, McGoldrick was still at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital. She said the ball broke her nose, her sinus bone and her left eye-socket bone. She has blood clots in her left eye. Pardon my bluntness, but Sherry ... ya gotta pay attention. It's not like someone dropped a beer on you from the upper deck. It was a ball, which is half of the name of the game. If a base hits you, that would be another story. Now, you're probably thinking I'm going to make some oddly tasteless joke about how Brett Myers hit her with the ball, or how the Phillies should set up a trust fund for the physical and emo...

F alling far short of their programming needs, today, ESPN decided to broadcast the World Championships of Paintball. I know what you're thinking ... there's a championship of paintball? You bet there is, and it's on TV, which makes it a major event. I happened across it while touring the dial trying to avoid watching the Phillies. A team from one of those Nordic countries was playing a team from Great Britian, and the announcer made a remark that made me think. Go figure, thinking during a paintball match. He was talking about one of the players (are they called players?) named Lundquist - guess which team he was on - and he described him as "the Zoolander of the sport of Paintball." That bought to mind three questions... 1 - Who the heck is Zoolander? 2 - Is Paintball a sport? ... and 3 - What the Hell does 'the Zoolander of paintball' mean? If you can figure it out, feel free to post a comment, because I need to catch up on my sleep. Meanwhile, you ma...

Yes, you - Katie ! That "thing" on the Germany babe's cup (the one she's holding, not the one that is holding our attention) is a drawing of the World Cup. So, I find that my readers are indeed the ones with the sick minds, and I am merely the "enabler" when it comes to the sickness. Check the photo above and compare to the cup with the babe. Take all the time you need. God bless your sick little minds.

A fan for Germany looks on prior to the start of the Ecuador v Germany 'Group A' World Cup soccer match at the Olympic Stadium, Berlin, Germany, Tuesday, June 20, 2006. The other teams in Group A are Costa Rica and Poland. (AP Photo/Frank Augstein) I really need to figure out this soccer deal. ...and, why is the dope with the camera pointing it at the GAME?

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Chief executive officers in the United States earned 262 times the pay of an average worker in 2005, the second-highest level in the 40 years for which there is data, a nonprofit think-tank said on Wednesday. In fact, a CEO earned more in one workday than an average worker earned in 52 weeks, said the Economic Policy Institute in Washington, D.C. The typical worker's compensation averaged just under $42,000 for the year, while the average CEO brought home almost $11 million, EPI said. ------------------------------------------------- That seems fair. After all, golf is expensive, and who's going to pay for the gasoline in their big, expensive company vehicles? We are. I would like to be able to explain why one person is 262 times more valuable than the people who are actually doing the labor, but words and logic fail me. But, at least our legislators have a grip on the situation, right? Read on if you dare... WASHINGTON , D.C. (Reuters) - The Senate ...

WEST HOLLYWOOD , California - City leaders adopted a resolution Monday night calling on sheriff's deputies not to target certain adult marijuana users. The City Council backed the nonbinding resolution 4-0, said city spokeswoman Tamara White. The resolution directs the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department, which contracts with this left-leaning city, not to "target adult marijuana users who consume this drug in private and pose no danger to the community." Minors and drug dealers would still be subject to arrest, and smoking in public would still be prohibited, the resolution says. The resolution is not legally enforceable, but sends a message that law enforcement officers should "leave the pot smokers alone" and go after more serious crimes, said Councilman John Duran, the resolution's sponsor. How revolutionary -- that people who do things in the privacy of their homes should not be the target of persecution because they pose no danger to the community. T...

Here are some interesting facts to take with you to the water cooler, or just hang around the house with, if you don't happen to have a water cooler at home. Most popular name for girls in 2006: Wynonna. Most popular name for boys: Wilhelm. "99 Bottles of Beer" was Benjamin Franklin's choice for the National Anthem of the United States. Terry cloth was invented by former Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw. 1 out of 5 Americans make up 20% of the population. Unleaded gasoline contains trace amounts of gold and platinum. Doing the 'Hokey Pokey' is illegal in 17 states. There is no Chinese word for 'smooch'. Dogs cannot hear women screaming at them. "Thousand-legger" insects actually have 998 legs. Half of the money you pay for car insurance goes to Donald Trump. The moon landings were not filmed in Hollywood, but the World Cup soccer matches are. Geneologists say that by the year 2075, humans will be born with a cell tower in their...