My Sick Mind

Washington, D.C.: from the Associated Press Headline : Bush Wants Newcomers to Learn English "What the president has said all along is that he wants to make sure that people who become American citizens have a command of the English language," press secretary Tony Snow said. "It's as simple as that." You would think it would be simple, wouldn't you? Of course, the President would never encourage people to do something that he couldn't do himself. Allow me to cite some examples of the president's command of the English language: "We're honored that the Flying Tomato represented our country, and we want to thank all the dudes and dudesses of the snowboarders who are here. " -- With the 2006 U.S. Winter Olympic and Paralympic Teams, White House, May 17, 2006. "The first choice, and a choice that I think will work with the Iranians is diplomacy. And I believe we can accomplish this through diplomacy." -- Sun City Center, Florida...

I was starting to think that this blog was getting a little too serious - you thought so too, right? In the nick of cyber-time, along comes an e-mail from Heaven with news that sent me whirring to the log-on page at the Blogger thingy. It was a notice from Ticketmaster, reminding me of an important concert event coming to the Wachovia Center in Philly in July ... POP TARTS PRESENTS: AMERICAN IDOLS LIVE! Whoever decided that Pop Tarts should sponsor the American Idols tour is a marketing genius. To you, sir or madam, I remove my figurative hat in tribute to your keen sense of irony. Pop Tarts indeed. I even wrote a little poem: The perfect sponsor and symbolic twist for such a group of twits as these. To you, my friends, the tarts of pop, I wave my private parts and sneeze. Thank you, worthless TV show, for making me funny again. I couldn't have done it without you. Same to you, Simon. You pompous clown. I feel much better now.

R ecently, we have been treated to news stories about the distinguished former senator from the great state of Tennessee, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. The stories are centered around the issue of global warming, which has been a concern of Gore's for quite some time. In fact, according to an Associated Press story, Al is running to California, New York, Utah, Washington, France and points in between to promote "An Inconvenient Truth," a film chronicling his elaborate slide shows to educate people about global warming. According to Albert himself, he is not planning to run for president again, but is merely "...on a different kind of campaign now - to persuade people to take action to solve the climate crisis." Somehow, this angers the conservative Republicans. Anger seems to be the emotion they express best, since they have been angry at least since 2000, and no amount of political power seems to soothe their savage breast. They control the White House, Congress,...

WASHINGTON - President Bush welcomed "dudes and dudesses" from the U.S. Winter Olympic team on Wednesday in a White House ceremony that included a most unusual prop — a signed football jersey from Donovan McNabb. About 190 Olympians and Paralympians from the Turin Games gathered on the sunny South Lawn for the traditional post-Olympic visit, where the president offered praise for athletes representing sports both traditional and hip. "We want to thank all the dudes of dudesses of the snowboarders who are here," Bush said. Normally, I would think that anyone who uses the word "dudesses" is joking around, but this guy is such a nitwit that I can't imagine that he was kidding. Such is the manner of this National disgrace in the White House. It truly makes me sad that we have such an ill-mannered boob in the same chair once occupied by Thomas Jefferson, Franklin Roosevelt and yes, even his father, whom I didn't always agree with, but at least had some...

CHICAGO (Reuters) - America's evangelical Christians who see "The Da Vinci Code" as Bible bashing at its worst are taking a cue from Hollywood to attack the story as well as capitalize on the hit novel's impending movie version. WASHINGTON - “The Da Vinci Code” struck a chord as a runaway best-selling book, but the film, which denies that Jesus is divine and portrays the Catholic Church as evil, has many conservative Christians storming the ramparts. “This isn’t just a little misguided theology, but a dagger in the heart of the Christian faith,” says Robert Knight, the director of the Culture and Family Institute. “I don’t think Christians ought to put down money for something that blasphemes the Lord.” So, later this week Knight and others will urge a nationwide boycott. CHICAGO (Reuters) - Across the United States on Saturday and Sunday, television viewers were to be offered "The Da Vinci Deception," an hour-long program produced by Dr. D. James Kennedy...

S aturday, Phillies pitcher Jon Lieber carried a perfect game into the seventh inning. Although he would go on to win the game, he lost the perfect game on an Adam Dunn single in the seventh inning after retiring the first 20 Reds batters he faced. It was an impressive performance, and it exposed another of our strange quirks that irritates the sensible and forward-thinking among us. While Lieber was in Cincinnati pitching a baseball game, those of us watching some 600 miles away were encouraged to keep quiet about the feat lest we jinx him. Ironically, a few hours ago, former major leaguer John Marzano was discussing that very thing on WIP, our sports talk station. For whatever reason, players, coaches, broadcasters, viewers, fans and even people watching on TV are not supposed to talk about pending no-hitters or perfect games because of the great possibility that mentioning the event will lead to its premature demise. My particular mistake was in watching the game in public. There...

If you are like me (which I seriously doubt) you have been asking yourself why there are suddenly so many Meteorologists on television lately. It comes to mind because local television stations devote an extraordinary amount of time to the weather. So much so, that it is often the lead story, especially when there is snow in the forecast. On our local ABC station, Action News weeknight meteorologist Cecily Tynan gets top billing. She majored in journalism and politics at Washington and Lee University in Virginia. For those non-local readers, in the Philadelphia area, the mere mention of the word snow (as in "Snow Flurries", "Snow Showers", or even the dreaded "Chance of snow flurries or snow showers") drives the locals into a frenzy that would only be rivaled by a full-out nuclear holocaust. Local grocery stores face exhausted supplies of milk, eggs and bread; as if we fear being unable to make French Toast when housebound. What I've noticed is that t...

It would seem as though the great powers of the American Idol machine have once again lured you into a televised trance of simulated enthusiasm, and like the prison colony at French Guiana, there is no escape. All day, seemingly intelligent people on the radio, TV, newspapers and at work have been complaining because some performer they liked was supposedly voted off of America's favorite talent show. What these people failed to realize is that they are being manipulated by the largest media conglomerate in the world - Fox . Please, I beseech you , do not allow the powers at the most powerful media outlet in the world to manipulate your feelings. Chances are, the joker who was seemingly voted off of this ridiculous charade of a television show was done so because it would get a rise out of you. In that respect, you have fulfilled their expectations. Congratulations - you have been had. You are talking about the show, which was their intent from the start. Please do not allow you...

NEW YORK (Reuters) - U.S. crude and gasoline futures ended sharply higher on Thursday as kidnappings in Nigeria and refinery snags in the United States stoked supply worries even though inventories rose last week. International Energy Agency director Claude Mandil said on Thursday he was surprised record high oil prices had not had more impact in curbing demand. "Maybe that's due to a time lag," Mandil said. "It needs recognition by the general public that they have to save energy ... It would be a good thing for demand to decrease." ----------------------------------------------- It seems as though the oil companies will use any excuse at their disposal to raise the price of a barrel of crude. Unrest, kidnappings, heat, cold, uncertainty, inflation, the Phillies winning, increase in demand or decrease in supply - whatever it takes, they will do whatever it takes because we will take whatever they give us. Why? Because we have no choice. We have to get to work ...

Hold onto something: ORLANDO , Fla. - Could there be a third President Bush? The current chief said Wednesday that younger brother Jeb would make a great one, too, and has asked him about making a run. The first President Bush likes the idea as well. A great one too? That would imply that the second one has been great . His own father says no one believes him when he says he's not interested in running at some point. Former President Bush told CNN's "Larry King Live" last year that he would like Jeb to run one day and that the son would be "awfully good" as president. Go figure, his own father thinks he would be awfully good. Well, he's half right. Jeb Bush has dealt with a lot of high-profile issues including hurricanes, immigration and sprawling development in one of the most important political states. I wonder how he feels about flies... HONOLULU — Twelve species of rare flies known for their elaborate courtship displays and found only in the Haw...

T wo recent "news" articles offer concerned Americans conflicting viewpoints on what and where they should eat. Digesting the news is sometimes more difficult than digesting the food. Let's try. On Tuesday, McDonald's announced the creation of a Global Moms Panel to provide guidance on such topics as balanced and active lifestyle initiatives, restaurant communications and children's well-being. The nine women come from six countries and include four former Olympic athletes, among them U.S. speedskater Bonnie Blair and Italian cross-country skier Stefania Belmondo, as well as a childhood development expert, a chef, a librarian, an artist and a Parent Teacher Association president. The company said it wants their input in order to better serve the needs of moms and families worldwide. The folks at the Golden Arches have assembled a veritable Gilligan's Island panel of experts to ensure that fat kids and fat adults get healthy choices when they visit their nei...

I was forced to subject myself to the misery of the neighborhood supermarket today. As in the past, it was a typical experience in life's great consumer melting pot, where folks of all shapes, sizes and methods of behavior infest what appears from the outside to be a grocery store, when in fact, it is a test. It is a test of our mettle as both consumers and people, and the longer I am there, the more difficult the test becomes. First , there's the joys of walking in, past and around the above-ground mine field of cars, trucks and mini-vans parked in the "No Parking Zone", which is clearly marked by diagonal yellow stripes which, by now are worn down from the constant rub of automobile tires. They are parked, engines running, driver inside, dutifully waiting for their equally lazy counterparts to emerge from the supermarket with a cart full of junk. At first glance, one would think that it was impossible to find a vacant parking space but, on further review, we see tha...

S omehow today, the topic came up of what a great job Rick Steves has. He travels around the world, writes books and does a TV show - and gets paid for it. I guess my high school guidance counselor failed to recognize that job on the list of possible occupations I might pursue, but I suppose I could forgive him, since I would probably want to keep that Rolodex card for myself. What a sweet gig! Wander around, find interesting little quirks about places all over the world and write them down, so that they are exposed as interesting little quirks, thus spoiling the quirkiness for everyone. This annoys some travelers, since, generally speaking, once something is popular, it's time to find something else. So, Rick works at crossed purposes. He has to find strange things for travelers to do, but as soon a he finds them, they become too popular for people to do. But, I suppose that's what keeps our economy going, and it's certainly what keeps Rick going. Although there may be an...

News Item : On Thursday, the Kansas House voted 119-0 to approve a bill that would prohibit anyone under the age of 15 from marrying in Kansas, and would set strict limits for would-be brides or grooms under the age of 18. The Senate approved it a day earlier by a vote of 36-4. Four ? Who would vote against this thing? People of Kansas: Find those four Senators and have them severly beaten. News Item : WASHINGTON: Angry conservatives are driving the approval ratings of President Bush and the GOP-led Congress to dismal new lows, according to an AP-Ipsos poll that underscores why Republicans fear an Election Day massacre. Finally, the party is seeing the backlash from their association with people like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. While it is doubtful that supporters have seen the error of their ways (since they are steadfast in their beliefs) it is nevertheless nice to see that maybe now the party will have to take steps to distance themselves from those so-calle...

B arry Bonds and his rotund head are coming to Philadelphia this weekend to play the Phillies. Barry is a couple of home runs away from Babe Ruth's 714, and 40-something shy of Hank Aaron's all-time record of 755. For some reason, Phillies broadcaster Harry Kalas told us tonight, to come to the ballpark this weekend "for Barry Bonds' record setting feat." What record, exactly? Since when is second place a record? If he hits home run number 714 and/or 715 here in Citizens Bank Ballpark, will they stop the game and celebrate ... second? It sounds a lot like Little League to me. Will Barry get a little trophy, CONGRATULATIONS FOR ALMOST BEING THE BEST . Complete with a little batter with a disproportionate head. It strikes me as another example of baseball shamelessly promoting itself for their own glory, drawing attention to something that really does not deserve our attention. Baseball is no stranger to this kind of treatment, and since its popularity has waned ov...

W hile I was peddling my bicycle through the neighborhood, a young girl, probably 6 or 7 years old, waved at me and shouted out, “My birthday is in the summertime!” What an interesting thing to say, I thought, at least as far as a six-year old is concerned. Children can get away with such oddities, and we write it off as just a kid being charming. At some point in our lives, the mysterious properties of youth sadly disappear into adulthood, and we are expected to act sensibly. If the roles were reversed, and I hollered some non sequitur to a kid, it might seem peculiar. (“I like apples!”) Nevertheless, I waved back, the way we wave at people we don’t know, just to be polite. Even so, it did make me smile, and isn’t that one of the duties of a child? “Just doing my job, sir!” With the advent of the Bluetooth headset, the public non sequitur is becoming commonplace, although it doesn’t sound quite as endearing coming from an adult, but more on the order of a mental patient wandering out ...

News Item: New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has shelved his plan to allow self-serve gasoline pumps, saying Tuesday that while he believes it could reduce gas costs, the idea isn't worth the fight against overwhelming opposition. Corzine said he had received some 1,400 e-mails to his office on the self-serve proposal. By comparison, his plan to increase the state sales tax from 6 percent to 7 percent has drawn only 200 e-mails. Corzine said the self-service plan was just an "idea" that he wanted to see tested in a pilot program. He said it would save drivers $5 for every 100 gallons of gasoline. Obviously, since it was a hairbrained scheme, it is now labeled merely an "idea". If it was more popular, it would have been a "great idea". I understand that, unless you are reading this in Oregon, you have no idea the level of angst that was created here in the Garden State. Gasoline is a product that is best served by others. We're a fat, bloated country...

Let's get back to this American Idol subject, since my surpressed rage over the present state of our government is spinning so far out of control that perhaps a light-hearted look at American culture will be just the thing to soothe my savage breast. Or not. As we know by now, there is a celebrity shortage. There must be, otherwise, why would shows like Idol be so popular? Apparently, there is a dearth of CDs for people to buy, so it naturally falls on television to fill the gaps in your collection. Meanwhile, there are thousands of discs at your local Tower Records store, several of which are in the $9.99 New Artist rack, but I know how difficult it is for Americans to latch onto anything new, so we will allow television the freedom to shape our opinions for us - and what could be quicker and easier than that? From what I see and (unfortunately) hear, the people who "win" on this show - or even the ones who lose and still "win" - are so AOR-Middle of the R...

A ll weekend (or at least it seemed like all weekend) otherwise healthy adults were held captive indoors by ESPN's televised coverage of the NFL draft. From noon on Saturday until 6pm on Sunday, we were treated to Chris Berman and his pals debating whether or not the Seattle Seahawks made a mistake drafting a fullback from USC with the 163rd pick. Oy. Meanwhile, the Houston Texans surprized the so-called experts by not taking Reggie Bush with the first pick, thereby rendering their expert opinions worthless. If they could not figure out who would be the first overall pick, what is the point of listening to them at all? They should be made to donate their paychecks to charity. I suspect that the reason the draft coverage wound up on television at all is the need to provide programming. After all, most of us with cable TV have at least 80 channels from which to choose, and providing programming for everything from the Animal Channel to MTV is difficult. And, there's only so much...

Nero Fiddles While Rome Burns President Bush, left, and Steve Bridges, a comedian and President Bush look alike, speak during the White House Correspondents' Association's 92nd annual awards dinner, Saturday, April 29, 2006, in Washington. (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari) Personally, I think the country might be better off if Bridges took over.