Hat Quest

Anybody can get one of those cheezy Colts Super Bowl hats. Find a store ... there's thousands of them. The one I want is that one, with the big C - and I think I know how I can get one.

STEP ONE: The facts. As we learned from this New York Times article, 288 “Super Bowl XLI Champion Chicago Bears” hats and T-Shirts were shipped to places like Sierra Leone as part of the NFL’s effort to get rid of inaccurate merchandise and help people who don’t know that they’re wearing a tainted hat. Otherwise, they'd just throw them away, so they donate them to people who don't care about football.

STEP TWO: The issue. I want a hat.

STEP THREE: The Plan. I go to Sierra Leone – it’s a nice vacation spot, from what I’m hearing – and make a nice offer to one of the natives. I’ll buy them a cow, goat or some chickens for their farm in exchange for a hat or three. They can have my hat. I have a nice one with WIDENER on the front. It will perform all the same hat duties as the other one. It keeps the sun out of their eyes and provides cover for their head.

STEP FOUR: I package up the hats and ship them home, where I will gleefully wear them to every sporting event I attend and watch as puzzled sports fans try to (a) add up the roman numerals on the hat, thinking that they may have missed something, and (b) regale them with my wonderful story of how I made a new third-world buddy.

I think Sally Struthers should be on this right now. “For forty cents a day, you can provide a goat to a family in Sierra Leone, and get yourself a nice keepsake of the Super Bowl.”

Hey, it beats the Hell out of a Snickers bar. That commercial ruined Snickers for me. Seriously.

Thanks.