Hollywood pats itself on the back.

I found myself watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards on Sunday night. Actually, I fell asleep in front of the TV and when I woke up, the show was on. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

I’m not big on awards shows anymore. I used to enjoy them, then this cynicism kicked in and I find them to be ostentatious. This one especially. It’s actors giving awards to other actors. As though the $5 million they made on the movie wasn’t enough, “Here’s a nice statue, too.” That ought to do it.

Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Cast … it’s almost endless. Each one standing up and thanking the rest of them for saying they’re great. We already know.

It was only a few years ago that they stopped saying “The winner is” when they give out an award. Now, it’s politically correct to say “the Oscar goes to” or “the Actor goes to,” which is what the SAG presenters say. That’s so the losers aren’t offended because, as we know, it’s an honor just to be nominated. I think it’s mostly because actor’s egos are so fragile that being called a loser is enough to warrant ten more therapy sessions. You could pay me $5 million and call me a loser if you want. My feelings won’t be hurt.

I used to get twisted over one of my favorite actors missing out on an award, but then I realized that being paid to pretend to be someone else is a pretty good job, and losing out on a bronze statue isn’t the worst thing that can happen to someone. The other actors can piss and moan about it if they want, but I still have to go to work tomorrow, and pretending to be me is hard work, too.

Where’s my statue?