Yet another ineffectual exertion on my behalf

I love a good e-mail. I also love colorful writing. When the two come together in one giant Internet-related fireball, my day is made. This came today. It’s one of those spam and scam deals where it appears as though there is a large sum of money awaiting my bank account info for an immediate transfer. I read them.

I am sure that the receipt of this mail will be of utmost blessing to you. However sorry to marvel you a bit and take some of your time in going through this unpredicted letter of entreaty for your forbearing and facilitation.

That’s a fine opening paragraph. You have caught my eye. Proceed.

I wish to inform you I was the intimate and entrusted pettifogger of late Mr. George [my surname], whose life and that of his entire family were lapsed while on holidays in a resort in Phuket, Thailand on the 26th of December 2004 in the Tsunami natural disaster. My late client was a merchant in hygienic products via West African Coast to Thailand as an import and export executive.

Wow. An importer/exporter. I thought they were limited to Elaine’s made-up boyfriends. I think he needs to focus more on the importing and less on the exporting. Maybe then, he wouldn’t have been lapsed - on the day after Christmas, no less. That’s a pisser, dude.

What followed were several interesting phrases that may make a good haiku:

After these ineffectual exertions…

I wish to seek your carte blanche to present you as the next of kin…

On receipt of your positive reaction, we will then determine the sharing quota and modus vivendi of the transfer.

Your sincere willingness and motivated spirited efforts to enhance the ascendancy of this covenant…

May his fragile soul rest in perfect peace.

That is some high-quality babble right there, folks. It is poetic in its nonsense. Suffocating under its literary weight, as it were.

First, I had to look up pettifogger. To pettifog is “to carry on a petty or shifty law business” or “to practice chicanery”. A bit odd for a soliciting e-mail, but I don’t know, maybe there really is one born every minute.

Second, did you catch the name of the town in Thailand where the Surname’s were lapsed?

Phuket.

My thoughts exactly.

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