Just Thinking

Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, who broke his hand in Sunday night's game against Washington, had a plate screwed into the bone attached to his right ring finger during an operation Monday evening.

A plate? I think he'd be better off having a knife and fork screwed in there.

Meanwhile, Pete Rose is signing balls like the one pictured above. They are being auctioned off by one of these grubbing auction houses. Originally, they were signed for Pete's buddies, who were supposed to be collectors, but found a way to cash in. If only he had signed the Dowd Report that way, he'd be in the Hall of Fame by now.

Maybe some other high-profile goofball celebrities could start signing stuff, too:

DICK CHENEY - I'm sorry I shot that guy in the face. And, stop by the house, I'll reimburse you for the gasoline.

PARIS HILTON - I apologize for being so famous and not really having any discernable skills.
GEORGE W. BUSH - I apologize for being president and not really having any discernable skills.
JOHN KERRY - I'm sorry I'm not your president.
ALBERT GORE - What he said.

JIM McGREEVEY - I'm sorry for spilling my guts on Oprah. I should have just jumped on her couch and gotten it over with.

JOHN MARK KARR - I'm ... oh, nevermind.

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MONROE, N.Y. - School officials apologized after an X-rated font was used on a third-grade spelling packet handed out to parents. The font showed male and female stick figures in provocative poses to form the letters of the alphabet. Officials with the Monroe-Woodbury School District in Orange County apologized last week after parents at Pine Tree Elementary School were given the spelling packet at an open house. Administrators said the teacher did not use the font intentionally.

Really? Unintentional. OK. Check out the font I'm using. It's your run of the mill trebuchet. Sounds dirty, but it's not. Would you get it confused with this?:

Me neither. Hey, it's not like those third-graders haven't already been exposed to stick figures having sex. Maybe it's the "group sex" that has them bugged?

THOSE DARNED POSTAL WORKERS. THEY'RE PISSED OFF IN A WHOLE NEW WAY...

AKRON, Ohio - A former postal worker who poured urine into his co-workers' coffee must serve six months in a jail work-release program. Thomas Shaheen, 50, of suburban Springfield Township, also must pay $1,200 to the people he used to work with to cover their cost of making a secret video of his role in tainting the office coffee.

OMG - Katie and Kimmyk - OHIO! My illusions are shattered. Now, you have to check your mailboxes. At least they are making him pay for the video. Look on the bright side, Tom ... "Producer" credit.
He was convicted of two misdimeanor counts of tainting food. Excuse me ... peeing in food is waaaaaaay more than a taint. He definitely needs a shoe piece.

LONDON (Reuters) - Surgeons in China who said they performed the first successful penis transplant had to remove the donated organ because of the severe psychological problems it caused to the recipient and his wife. Ten days after the operation, which had been approved by the hospital's medical ethical committee, the recipient had been able to urinate.

Woo-hoo! I hear there's a job opening at the Post Office in Akron.